My new year's resolution

This year, actually have one! It's simple but hard. It's to stop doing things I don't want to do.

I don't expect that I will meet it. I'm so deeply in the habit of ignoring my own feelings about a task or goal I have set myself that I doubt my record will even hold out for a month. I was always the good girl growing up, the one who did as she was told, and even thought I've cut tied with my family and gotten clear of the toxic atmosphere with them, I'm still in the habit of making myself do things I don't want to do.

It's made it really hard to have fun or to buckle down on tasks that are actually important to me. It's like I have a limit, and have been pushing it so long that I can easily break apart at any time, in this very toddleresque bundle of "NO. I won't!" When even fun stuff feels like a chore, you know it's time to reevaluate.

Now, I'm finally in a place where I know that. Sort of. Theoretically. It's a bittersweet feeling, knowing that there's no one that can tell you what to do anymore, no one besides yourself.

I hope I can at least remember my resolution. Even if I don't meet it, I want to know that I tried, and know why I failed.